Psalm 1:5-6

5     Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,

nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;

6     for the Lord knows the way of the righteous,

but the way of the wicked will perish. [1]

Abba,

What a dreadful fate to arrive at the judgement only to fall and be cast away; to perish for having brought insufficient payment to atone for one’s offenses.

This is what I imagine with dread….

The time had come

Unexpected

Too soon

I wasn’t ready

Nevertheless…here.

Remorse

Guilt

Shame

Regret

They cling to me like burrs

Scratching

Cutting

Drawing Blood

They dig deep into my flesh

Unrelenting

Unforgiving

My heart sinks.

Fear overwhelms

Dread spasms within me

A sense of doom descends

Shaking

Quaking

Stomach twisted

Nausea threatening to wretch

Sweat beading on my forehead

I begin my approach

Feet dragging

Head down

Weight so heavy

I slowly draw near

Prolonging what I know is coming

Standing before the High ruler

Dressed in my very best

Only now, it feels like rags

My riches

Paupers filth

Next to His majestic glory

Shame deepens

I feel like a rebuked child

And yet no word has been spoken

I stand timidly

Hands clutching my only defense

Seeing it now,

It feels as worthless as rocks

My life’s works

Best accomplishments

Most selfless deeds

Richest generosity

Once, they had seemed sure pure

Now…

In the light of His glory

Tainted

Impure

Distorted by selfish motives

No better than

A box of rotten fruit

And yet…

I clutch it tightly

Ashamed of it

Yet dependent on it

It is all I have

And though I know it is not enough

It is all I have

Tears seep out

Unbidden

Unstoppable

Burning my cheeks

Staining my pride

Stealing my strength

The prize in my hands

Drops with a thud

Unnoticed on the floor

Arms and hands now dangle

Empty at my sides

As they always have been

I had nothing of worth

To bring

I have nothing of worth

Now to offer

The silence is deafening

I wait for the inevitable

Without looking

I feel His gaze

Piercing and fierce

Loving, yet true

Merciful, yet just

Compassionate, yet sorrowful

Already I know

What I brought

He won’t accept

He can’t

For He is just and holy

That which I trusted in?

Not

Without a word

He extends his hands

Without looking up

I see the marks of pain

The wounds of piercing

Those eternal scars

Beautiful and terrible

The receipt of payment

Offered for my debt

Rejected by me

In favor of my own efforts

Yet, the only payment

That could be accepted

Now beyond my reach to claim

And so here it ends

Rejected and denied

Turned away to death

Eternal punishment I face

I have nothing to offer

Facing judgment now

Nothing do I have to stand upon

Abba, this is a terrible and dreadful fate.  The fate, that by your grace, I never have to face.  But many will.

Help me to do my part to share the truth, the spread the gospel, and to save as many as I can from that fate.

I love you, Abba.

Amen.