One would think it is easy to slow down, to be still.

It’s not.

My thoughts are everywhere. I latch on to one thought and work to spend time processing and meditating on it when….


Ding…phone notification

OR

The the invading thought…

Oh, oh, I need to take care of this, deal with that….

And I am off running to address this or that.

In the middle of that, the phone rings, an email arrives, another thought comes….and I am distracted, now so far from the original task that I do not even remember what it was or what my thought and insight into the matter had been.

Frustration.

Pressing silence on my phone to shut down all notifications, all alerts, my heart panics. What if I miss something?”

Even as the thought glides through my mind like oil, I chuckle. Geez, it is ridiculous that I cannot unplug for even 20 seconds before I am going through withdrawal.

And this is when I realize, I am addicted to busy.  As much as I complain about the busy and desire rest and laziness, there is something about the busy that my flesh yearns for.

And even in the rest and laziness, there is not true rest, true unplugging, true stillness.  For typically in that rest and laziness, that unwinding, it is filled with technology, being plugged in, or being constantly needed.

True stillness…no this is rather hard to find and hard to step into.

“Be still, and know that I am God. 

Ps 46:10a.

The words fill my mind, my heart.  I stop.  It brings everything to a screeching halt.

How do I learn to be still?

How do I get there?

Putting my phone down, bowing my head, cradling it in my hands, I sigh, deep and long.  Discouraged and frustrated.

Why is it so hard to unplug, to find true stillness?

Abba, why is this so hard?

Why do I feel like I need to be connected?  Why is it so hard to unplug?

The thoughts swirl in my mind, a raging tornado of words that seem to sweep everything in their path up into one big jumbled mess.  And in the chaos, I am distracted and so consumed by the maelstrom that the immediate issue is pressed out of focus.

Ah!

The maelstrom dies as fast as it whipped up.  True silence descended then, so complete that it actually sent shockwaves through my soul.

The busy blocks out the emotions and thoughts I do not want to address.  Busyness is an excuse to hide, to abdicate responsibility, to NOT feel, think, or act. 

The Spirit’s presence is felt then.  The understanding and realization settling on me so clearly from His presence that I am comforted by the reality of the words even while they convict and chide.

I am addicted to busy as a means to hide, to escape, to avoid.

It hurts too much to stop and feel.

It takes too much time to stop and feel.

It is too much to give voice to the hurts, sorrows, stresses of life.

It is too wearying to address the abundance of problems life presents.

It is easier to get lost in the winds and raging of it all.

But this only amounts to be in crisis mode, cleaning up the mess the storm makes but never addressing the storm itself. 

Busy is a way to hide, to avoid.

Fear grips my heart at this very revelation.  Fear, for I now know I will have to address, to stop running or hiding.

I don’t feel strong enough. I am NOT strong enough.

I am.

The words come, gentle and gracious.

And I weep. Yes. Yes you are, Abba. Yes you are Jesus. Yes you are Spirit. I am so sorry. It is all the words I can muster. I surrender then.

Thoughts, emotions, desires, hurts, griefs, fears, doubts….they all flood in and through me now.  It is as if the tornado of life has suddenly shifted it’s flow of current to direct the entire mass of wind and mess through me.

I weep, hard.  I give voice to it all. I lament.  I rage.  I mourn. I exhaust myself but I let it all go.  I feel the strength of the Spirit sustaining me as it rages through me.

After what feels like forever, the raging of the storm fades and stillness descends.  True stillness.  A peace deeper than I know washes over me.  Where once the wind raged, now there is a blessed peace. 


I embrace it.  No more words.  No more thoughts.  Just a stillness and a…”being.”  I was simply with God.

That’s not all beloved. The words come, softly. Not spoken but impressed upon my heart.

Tears welled in the corner of my eyes again and began to flow once more.

I can’t handle more, Abba. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to know it. I cannot handle it.

No more words came.  Just a patient presence waiting.  Waiting but insistent.  It was not to be denied or avoided.

Sobbing now, I let the grief, the sorrow, the stress, the frustration, the weariness and discouragement flow from me.  They poured out of my like flood waters after a rain.

When it finally dissipated, I was drained.  All strength and resistance gone.

Well played, Spirit. Well played. I permitted myself a grim smile, amused by the method of God’s working to make me willing and pliable.

Go on, Spirit. Show me. I am ready.

The strength of his presence remained, strengthened even.  Then the words, not audible, but pressed upon my mind came.

Your busyness, my son, is your pride. You take pleasure and satisfaction from being connected, in the know, and in the center of it all. You take affirmation from your involvement and people’s neediness of you, their responsiveness to you.

Why, my child? Why?

Is my love and acceptance of you not enough? Why do you need more?

The words cut like a dagger.  I actually glanced at my chest to make sure I was not bleeding out from a wound to my heart.  I saw the truth of the words; a truth that had been hidden to me, lost in the whirlwind of busy.  I loved the sense of importance I felt being at the center.


But I am not the center. I never was. Abba, you are. I have usurped your rightful place. Even while peace deepened, the tears flowed harder. I repented then. I sought his grace in forgiveness.

I felt it when His forgiveness was mercifully granted.  I felt wrapped in the goodness and graciousness of God.  It was here, in his embrace that I felt it.  It was here in that place of repentance, faith, and rest…I found true stillness.

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Hours later, it would strike me. As I continued to enjoy the stillness and the rest, the true rest, in the presence of my King, I gained understanding. Busyness is a tool in Satan’s toolbox to keep me distracted and harried. Busyness is his method to keep me from true intimacy, true stillness with my Abba.

Diabolical, Satan. Well played. Good thing Abba is better at playing the game. I am on to you now, Lucifer. The pain hurts, but Abba’s comfort and grace is more. The grief is deep, but Abba’s love is more. The busyness is wearying, but Abba’s strength is more. You lose. Abba wins. I will rest in Him. And one day, these moments of stillness will come and stay for all eternity. Until then, I will keep fighting to find and dwell in these moments of stillness before Him.