Abba,

There is so much sorrow.
There is so much pain.
So much suffering.
So much despair.
So much hardship.
So much brokenness.

Sometimes, it is hard to look beyond it.
Sometimes, it is hard to see anything else.
Some days, it take SOO much effort to LOOK UP.

Just that brief movement of the neck
Just that tender movement of the soul
Feels impossible
Some days.

How long, O Lord, will You tarry?
How long will You permit Your creation to be subject
To such suffering and sorrow?
How long will You subject Yourself to such sorrow?

My heart trusts.  
My soul presses in.
But it takes all I have
To get to You
It takes all I have 
To remain with You
It takes all I have
To keep my gaze upon You
And not upon the pain
And suffering that abounds around me

“Good thing it does not depend
On your strength”
You whisper, Spirit.
“Good thing you add nothing to it
But only depend 
Upon that which I grant”
You gently prompt.

Abba, I hear You.
Spirit, I hear You.
I believe.
Your grace is sufficient
Your strength made perfect
In my weakness

BUT

What does this look like
Practically
Realistically
Daily?
What does it look like
In the midst of my pain?

I know, Abba.  I know.

Look up. 
Remove my gaze from myself.
Look to another
To You.
Let go.
Surrender.

It feels so hard, Abba.
I don’t want to live here
In this brokenness
I don’t want to sacrifice 
I don’t want to give up
That which I perceive will satisfy
That which I long for
I don’t want to trust Your plan
That involves so much pain.

I ACHE for peace
For wholeness 
For healing
For the suffering and hurting 
To end

I do not want to trust Your timing
I do not want to trust Your will
I do not want to wait for eternity.
I want it to stop. 
Now
Here.

I want peace now, not future.
I want rest now, not future.
I know that every ounce of suffering
Will be worth it.
I know that looking back
It will be counted as nothing
Compared to the glory 
Of what You have prepared


But it hurts NOW, Abba.

But I also know that my attempts
To satisfy what I long for
I know that my attempts
To manufacture my own peace
To find my own rest
Will only increase the hurt
Will only deepen the pain.

AND SO, despite the hurt and pain,
I surrender.
I trust.
I allow You to lift my chin
To cause me to look up.
And I permit my gaze to lift
I permit You to elevate the focus of my soul
And fix it squarely upon Your 
Glorious face!

Let me behold You
And set down the burden
Of bearing a sorrow
That is not mine to bear

Let me behold You
And set down the weight
Of a pain
That is not mine to bear


Let me behold You
And set down the load
Of brokenness
That is not mine to fix

Let me behold You
And set down the encumbrance
That robs my peace
And steals my joy

Hold my chin
Locked in gaze
With Your limitless eyes
And find peace
Not just future
But NOW
A peace that passes 
All understanding
Just as You promised

Let me wait
For Your glorious rest
And trust Your plan
And Your goodness.
 

Do what I cannot
In Your time
In Your way
For Your glory
And my delight in that glory!

This is raw, but real. It is honest. Sometimes, we do not want to trust God’s will when it involves pain, suffering, and hardship. Despite knowing that God is worth it; despite knowing He is good; despite knowing that He is enough, the flesh wearies of the necessary struggles that our Good and Loving Abba Father sends our way.

Sometimes, we just need to be honest with our struggle. Sometimes, we just need to be honest with our NOT wanting to endure it.

And then we need to come back to trust.

Do I want to endure the sufferings of this life?

No.

Will I?

Yes.

By grace. In His strength.

Church, when life hurts, when suffering and sorrow come to visit and refuse to leave, lament. And let that lament lead us to trust.

One day, it will be worth it all.

Even now, it is working an eternal weight of glory that will delight and satisfy our souls when we reach its completion. Until, lament and trust. Trust and lament. Look up. Let Him lift your gaze up and keep your gaze locked with His. Our Abba, Father will not fail, will not disappoint, will not neglect.