Abba,
Your Spirit is exposing me to me. And it is a terrible sight. In my heart there resides a desire to not need daily grace in my striving against sin. In my heart there resides a desire to grow in holiness beyond the need for it. There is a desire to be rid of the need for grace because I have grown beyond it.
On the surface this desire seems beautiful and good! Holiness, righteousness, perfection! Isn’t that a good and noble longing? YES!!
However, Your Spirit prompts, the source feeding the roots of that desire is a longing to NOT NEED Your daily grace. In essence to outgrow it. And If I outgrow the need for grace, does that not also mean I would outgrow my need for You?
I DO intensely long for and desire holiness and freedom from sin. HOWEVER, may that never be at the expense of my dependency upon You, my intimacy with You!
What a prideful and selfish thing it is to think that I could, or would want to, outgrow my need for You.
Or perhaps, at the very least, so desperately wanting relief from the battle that I grow to desire relief MORE than intimacy with You. Perhaps that is at the heart of such longing.
Truth is, as created beings, we will never escape our need to be dependent upon You. Never. Not even in eternity when sin will be no more! I won’t want such independence then. May I not want it now.
Give me joy and peace in my neediness and dependence. Give me rest in leaning into You. Give me joy in the ongoing struggle against sin and weariness knowing that it keeps me close to You, keeps me dependent upon You, and in so doing, deepens my intimacy with You.
Forgive such pride that would desire independence from You. Grant my soul rest in my neediness for You. Give me security in my trust and waiting upon You.
I love you, Abba.
A Singular Passion 