Momma,

I miss you.

I am so glad your suffering is over and you are whole, but I miss you.

I wish I could remember those words your prayed that day, precisely as your prayed them.  Dad was gone.  Family was in town for the memorial.  Your agitation was getting the better of you.  I took you to the front porch for a break from the noise and chaos that is our family.

I prayed with you.  Prayer often calmed you.  It drew you back to yourself.  The Spirit quickening within you as we focused on scripture and prayer. 

Then, you prayed, surprising me….

God, help me to honor you in this battle.  To please you, to glorify you.

Man, I wish I could remember your precise words and not just these vague recollections.  I wish I had thought to write down your precise words.  I wish the moment had been caught on camera.  But, this was the gist of it.  In a startling moment of clarity and lucidity, you prayed the true nature of your heart and desire….to please and glorify God. 

It broke me, momma.  For that brief moment, I had you back.  For that brief glimpse in time, the momma I had been missing for the past couple years shone through the dark, grey clouds of dementia and you were there.  That glimpse was almost to painful to behold at the time.  It felt unkind.  To have you, just to have the cloud return moments later.  Now, though, it is one of the most precious moments of those final days.

That is your legacy, Momma.  That was the real and full you, the whole and healthy you.  In the midst of so many troubled memories, that is one of the most cherished I cling to.  That and your singing along with 10,000 reasons as we sat in your living room.  Oh, and your sheer delight at those potato skins at Texas Roadhouse. 🙂 

You struggled, mom.  We struggled with you.  But deep down, your heart was always set towards pleasing our Savior and our King.  And when your right mind showed itself, that was what came out.  I hate that you struggled so, momma. I hate the pain and grief that you endured.  I hate that you are now gone from me! 

But I am SO thankful for your love for God and your faithfulness to Him!  Thank you for loving God so well and being an example for me to follow in suffering.

I miss you.

May I be found just as faithful throughout and at the end of my journey in this life.  May your legacy live on in me for the glory of our God’s name.

I love you!

Until we meet again in our eternal home,

Your son