Intimacy

Intimacy.

An uncomfortable word.

For some, perhaps.

Sexually charged most of the time.

BUT, and it is BIG BUT…

Intimacy is more than sex.

Intimacy is indicative of close, personal connection. It can be present even when sex and sexual attraction is not. In fact, I would argue, predominantly so. The physical expression of intimacy is and ought to be, a small, isolated, and limited expression between one man and one woman in the context of the marriage relationship. HOWEVER, intimacy is SO MUCH MORE than the physical expression between a man and woman in marriage.

And yet, culture has done what culture does — stripped away depth and reduced this deep word to nothing more than a euphemism for sex.

Therefore, it has become uncomfortable to talk about, especially in certain settings because of the current cultural emphasis. Intimacy between to male friends for instance. Or between two female best friends (ie. girlfriends).

But, it is perfectly appropriate to say,

“I’ve been intimate with Jesus.”

“I’ve been intimate with my best friend…”

It is OK for two members of the same sex to declare that they have a deep, intimate relationship. Because saying so does NOT automatically declare it to be a sexual relationship.

Yes, a husband and wife will express their intimacy THROUGH sexual union, but that is all it is…an expression of the intimacy in their relationship, it is NOT intimacy itself. But intimacy in relationship is infinitely more than the act of sex, which is only an appropriate expression of intimacy in one relationship.

Between two men or two women who share an intimate friendship, the expression of that intimacy will look different. But that does not negate their intimacy. Nor should we have to call it something else.

Intimacy, in most of the dictionary definitions, mostly emphasizes the closeness and warmth of shared lives—and only one even mentions sexuality.

Yes, there are a broad range of meanings, but it is unfair and unbalanced—disingenuous even—to reduce it only to a sexual relationship. Again, in the definitions listed above, only one even speaks to the sexual aspect.

We should not have to be afraid to use the word to mean what it means. Intimacy in relationship means that two (or more) people share a close bond and connection that floods their lives with mutual encouragement and meaning. In intimate relationships, those involved choose to love (unselfishly choose for one another’s highest good) and care for each other in selfless and unconditional ways. They will support, strengthen, and help one another when in need. They will fight for the best interests and needs of the other. They will fight with them through the lows of life and they will celebrate the highs together. In intimate relationships, a commitment to one other becomes the defining glue that holds them together. In biblical intimacy, God, Jesus, the Spirit become the uniting force. In biblical intimacy, we are committed to one another’s good in the same way that God is committed to ours.

I have an intimate friendship with a man who could easily be my grandfather. I have an intimate friendship with a young man who is not much older than my eldest child. These two men know things about me that no one else knows. I know things about them to few others may know. There is a trust in our friendships built upon an intimacy established over years of growing together in Christ.

I could easily say it:

“I have an intimate relationship with two different men in my life.”

Sure, this way feels a little more uncomfortable, but it is no less true and legitimate. It is no less appropriate.

It might sit a little better if I stated it as:

“I have an intimate relationship with two different men who love God, and me, and who motivate and challenge me towards greater Christlikeness and for whom I do the same.”

Even this may make some people squirm. But again, it is no less true or appropriate to express it this way. But because of the culture’s defamation of “intimacy,” it is uncomfortable to express in this fashion.

For culture sake, it may be necessary and wise to qualify the use of the word.

“I have an intimate friendship with another man. We can be open, share, and challenge one another in ways no one else can because we are committed to living openly and we share unwavering commitment to one another.”

I am aware that for some, the very use of this word “intimate” in context of same sex friendships is very off putting and may well require contextualization or an alternate word. And certainly, there are other words we can use. But why should we be required to just because a Godless society has determined to tell us what a word means?

I stand convinced that we should not let culture dictate the meaning of a word God designed for rich, personal connection. We should let truth dictate meaning and truth.

Please allow me to reclaim what should never have been lost. Whether you choose to use the word as it could be or not, allow me to reclaim it as God intends. God desires for us to know intimacy with Himself. God desires for us to have intimacy with others—including those of our own gender.

God does mean not mean for every intimate relationship to express that intimacy through sexual expression – that is reserved for one special relationship, a man and woman in marriage. However, there are appropriate physical expressions of intimacy that can and should be shown in other meaningful intimate relationships. What’s more, intimacy is about so much more than just the physical expression, sexual or not.

God has always intended for us, as His created beings, to enjoy intimacy in relationship. First with Himself and secondly with others.

Intimacy is NOT only related to sex. We were created to enjoy intimacy in relationships all manner of relationships, just expressed in different ways depending on the context of that relationship.

John 15 is testimony to that reality.

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. (John 15:9, ESV)

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. (John 15:12, ESV)

We were designed and created for intimacy because our God exists in intimacy and fellowship with Himself – Father, Son, and Spirit, locked in eternal intimacy as a Triune God. The perpetually perfect community. We were created to reflect this with each other. Sin has marred it, but it is no less true that we were created for it.

He designed us to be intimate beings—Inside and outside of marriage.

Intimacy is not solely a marriage or sexual concept.

Problem is, because it has primarily come to refer to the sexual act and because we have too often been injured by relationships, we have come to fear and distort the very intimacy we were created for. We have distorted it to mean only a small fraction of what it was meant to mean.

The danger becomes what the reality is: We throw away the concept entirely or reduce it to something less, something controllable and manageable. Instead of embracing it for what it is and learning to steward it well, we redefine it for our own safety and protection. But in so doing, we have lost more than we could possibly imagine.

Redefining intimacy ONLY as a euphemism for the sexual act, has cost generations the joy of freely living within the bounds of full intimate expression appropriately expressed in different applications in different relationships. What has happened is that we have closed ourselves off and locked ourselves away from enjoying the intimacy with one another and with God that we were created for.

Why does this matter? Why is it so important that we reclaim the word. instead of just finding another that means the same thing but feels safer?

Because, I believe, reclaiming intimacy for what it is, will be to reclaim part of our identity as image bearers of God. We need to see and reclaim that part of WHO we are, male and female, is rooted in being an intimate being. It is not something that we should run from but something we should run towards.

Especially among men, we have raised generations of people who do not know how to be intimate with one another in truly Biblical and Christ like ways. And the distortion of sexuality in our culture has deepened this problem. Two men cannot be biblically intimate with one another without it being twisted into something it is not. Two woman cannot be biblically intimate with one another without it being distorted into something it is not.

Thus, the other reason we avoid intimacy as God intends is based in fear. We withdraw from fear of how we might be perceived instead of embracing that which God has created to be good. If I had a nickel for every time someone accused David and Jonathan or Jesus and His disciples as being gay, I could retire today. They were not. They were merely living out the biblical expression of intimacy in relationships that was intended by God when He created man.

So instead of embracing what God has designed as good, we shrink back. We stop short. We suppress what our hearts were built to give and receive—out of fear that others will misunderstand, twist, or accuse. We let fear keep us from God and from the community with one another that He placed a desire in our hearts for.

We should not have to fear intimacy with one another. We should be able to embrace it for what it is and celebrate it as part of God’s design for us as his beings. We should embrace intimacy as part of our very core identity.

We should no longer permit culture to accuse us of sexual impropriety but rather we should claim intimacy for what GOD says it is – deep and personal connection that is not hindered by gender. We are failing to build and maintain healthy biblical, Christ centered intimate relationships because we have permitted culture to put a stigma where it should not exist. God never intended for intimacy to mean what culture has now defined it as.

What does healthy Biblical intimacy look like within the context of non marriage relationships?

Unconditional Devotion (Proverbs 17:17) – Intimacy in relationship is about an unconditional and unwavering commitment to another person. It says, I care about you to walk through all the ugly of life with you and prioritize your needs over my comfort and preference.
Mutual Confession and Correction (Proverbs 27:6) – Intimacy is relationship will involve an openness and vulnerability that results in confessing one to another and accepting correction when it is needed. Since intimacy is established upon trust, this will become a natural expression of intimacy.
Spiritual Intercession (Galatians 6:2) – Intimacy in relationship will involve the sharing of burdens. It will involve lifting those burdens before the throne room of God on behalf a friend in need. It will involve regular prayer with and for one another. Truth is, no human intimate relationship can or will be ALL. We must lead each other to the one who IS ALL for us.
Protective Loyalty (1 Samuel 20) – Intimacy in relationships means that you will fight to protect and guard one another from the dangers that face them, even if that danger is themselves.
Limitless Grace (1 Peter 4:8) – Relationships in a fallen world are broken. We each sin and do stupid things. As my father loved to say, “Sin makes you stupid.” Since this is true, intimacy in relationships understands this reality and capitalizes regularly on grace to preserve intimacy when sin abounds.
Sharing of Lives (1 Thessalonians 2:8) – By its very nature, intimacy is a sharing of lives. Both deeply and causally. The sharing of interests, the doing of life together. It is about sharing core identity and soul things as well as love of sports, or interests. It is simply about doing life together and celebrating what another celebrates.
Selfless Celebration (1 Corinthians 13:4; Romans 12:15) – Love is not jealous, envious, or threatened by the successes and blessings of one another but celebrates, sincerely with them.
Shared Suffering (Romans 12:15) – It will walk through suffering, freely and willingly, with others. It does not abandon them when things get tough.
Shared Mission (Philippians 1:27) – When lives are united around a common love, Christ and each other, a shared mission and purpose will exist that give strength, purpose, and meaning to the relationships. You run towards the same thing.
Non-Exclusive (Psalm 73:25) – We do not hang all of our hopes and joys and needs on one person. We know and understand that THE intimate relationship is first with God. Then, as He moves, we enjoy intimacy, in differing levels and degrees, with others in our lives. But we do not become possessive or dependent because we are first satisfied in our dependency upon Christ. We celebrate the relationships we have for what they are, but we do not hang our identity on them.
Intentional Boundaries – Intimacy in relationship celebrates that each of you are unique persons. Not identical. You celebrate those differences and encourage them. And like the non-exclusivity, you do not seek to make the relationship more than God intends. You protect the boundaries that God has put in place for the health and safety of the relationship.
Affectionate Touch (Romans 16:16) – In the right context and setting, touch is a powerful medium to show commitment and care. It is built upon trust, investment, and mutual care. In the right setting, touch is needed and necessary for intimacy to thrive. And it is, more often than not, non-sexual. Yes, this requires wisdom, mutual understanding, and personal boundaries, especially since, in a broken world, touch may have been abused or associated with trauma, but we should not deny the entire reality of it; just find healthier expression.

Intimacy in relationship IS possible. Not only possible—it is preferred. It is God-intended. Christ-centered. Woven into the very fabric of our created design and purpose.

Hear this battle cry. Let it ring across the soul and bellow to the heavens as a bold proclamation:

I will stop running from intimacy. I will claim it, name it, and live it—for the glory of God.